I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
and she was petting her beer can
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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