Umm I'm too high to move.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
