god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
