thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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