It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
