Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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