Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
