If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
