Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
