FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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