my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
