i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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