i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
do herpes really smell.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
When did angry sex become our thing?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize