i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
