Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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