i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
