"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
