four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
how drunk are you?
Several
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
