Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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