Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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