I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
