Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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