He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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