it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
