Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
