it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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