Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
