good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
