Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
