So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
