i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
