so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Randomize
