and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
