my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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