I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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