The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
