it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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