In the future we'll all be gay
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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