She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
