we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
