We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
