that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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