Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
