Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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