I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
sarcasm needs its own font
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
