I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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