i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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