A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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