i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
