so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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