This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
