I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
