Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
