life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
